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White Rabbit Returns

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Lately it feels like life has not given me the right direction -- the plans I make are refusing to stick -- but it's afforded me clarity on many things. Places in my heart I need to search for, things I need to achieve, and where my skillset needs polishing. The best laid plans can always be disrupted, however, the alternate journey might be more uplifting.

Last weekend I was heading up to Salibury East to mentor a group of children. We were to sit down to art projects and bible study. I was in such a rush that morning, I hadn't even thought of what could happen. My white rabbit was the driver of the public transport. The person that always appears when I'm having a bad time of things. I've run into him a few times -- especially when I'm having a rough week, and he always seems to see me doing something embarrassing. Seeing him makes me think of Bridget Jones and Mark Darcy, only I'm not quite silly enough to be caught with bunny ears and tail. (Maybe there's hope for me yet!)

Since our first adventure, White Rabbit has appeared a few times. First time we ran into each other at the shopping centre. He seemed happy to see me, but my self-consciousness got the better of me and I brushed it off. Why would he be happy to see me? Surely the hug was like a condolence prize, like a sign he felt bad that I just wasn't in his league. He texted me once I got home, but I felt inclined to share I was seeing someone to hide from the awkwardness of admitting he might actually like me. Instead I remained faithful with the man who I felt I was good enough for, because we had so much in common and complemented each others' attributes so much there was no excuse he wasn't meant for me. White Rabbit knew nothing of me -- even if he was interested, he would have no interest why. It seemed more likely rabbits go blind around 50 and he was seeing a mirage instead of who I was really. He always caught me doing stupid things, so it wasn't like he was dazzled by my intellect.

I ran into him a few weeks back, and we talked as friends. It made me wonder if this is why he kept crossing my path. Did he have some keen knowledge to impart to me? God does this with chance meetings, giving us opportunity to share something with a stranger only for them to give us the missing advice we need.

So there I was last weekend, White Rabbit in command at the wheel. He was running late due to roadworks so I assumed I'd missed my connecting bus and decided to continue on his route until the next major transport exchange. As I got off the bus, I realised that I had made a mistake. Nope, despite the suburb I wanted being closer than at the previous station, there wasn't a bus from this exchange to the suburb I wanted. Guess I'd have to go back. I caught a bus back to the previous station, then rushed off to my new plan. It was then I saw White Rabbit drive past. Oh, no. Here we go again.

"Maybe he just won't see me?" I rationalised. "Don't panic yet."

His bus stopped right where my intended bus would be. That's okay, he may stay in the bus during his break. No. . . he's getting out. "Maybe he'll go the other direction," I told myself. No, he walked towards me, surprised to see me again so soon. He asked where I was going and I explained my confusion. We both jested about the mistake and shared a laugh before I hurried off to my stop. However, I was still curious what he might need to tell me. What was this golden message that God wanted him to encourage me with? There had to be a good reason I had to feel this embarrassed.

I texted him: "I should have known I'd run into you. I always seem to when I'm having a bad week and this one was particularly brutal."

We shared a few text messages, where he said I could vent if I wished. When I did, he gave me some ideas. I'm not going to share them publicly as the situation is personal, but it helped. He put the issues so succinctly that it made me consider my stance on them. White Rabbit really was sent for a reason. Of course, his answer still sits with me while I decide what God is really wanting me to do. White Rabbit's words question my beliefs about myself and others.

In some ways it's comforting. No matter how bad my day is, God has a white rabbit out there, to guide me and distract me from feeling the worst He probably thinks me quite anxious and nervous, as I was very self-conscious and negative about myself when we first got to know each other. I was still wrapped up in Bullimic shields and was impervious to compliments or the real reflection in the mirror.

I wonder how many other people have that White Rabbit they haven't realised. A person you always seem to bump into when you're having a rough day, who doesn't mean you any harm or romantic interludes, only a kind word or snippet of advice. When I first met him, I toyed with the idea that he was attracted to me, but no. That would be too hard to believe. It's easier to think he probably just found me really perculiar and was curious to find out why. He never got his answers though -- to this day, he probably sees me as some awkward girl, who grew up with a typical life, in a typical house, with typical people around her. It's intriguing to think how he would react and what advice he would give, but I'm not sure I'm ready for that realness. Maybe he would hide in the brush or hop away if he knew? And maybe it would be met with indifference because it's just a friendship and friends accept us no matter what?

I'm still waiting to know why God keeps putting him in my space. White Rabbit, what do you need?


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