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That's Tonight?!


It's now hours from the launch party and I'm getting nervous. The powerpoints are complete, music rehearsed and musicians prepared, guest speakers arranged, speeches written, guests RSVP'ed, and a bunch of decorations going into the function rooms. Yes, this is really happening. It really is tonight. I haven't even chosen what to wear and already it feels like I'm prepared -- but totally unprepared at the same time. This is the day my life will change.

It's not the change that scares me, but the self-reflection it will cause. Suddenly I'll have to accept I'm not just good enough for myself, but that others have compliments and joy in who I am. I'm not the weakened sheep, but the capable lion. Wow, that's a concept. My life isn't just going to drip away until the canister is empty. I'll have the ability to share whatever truth I want, entice people to share theirs and help society in forming their beliefs, ideals, and values. That's a lot of power. God, are you sure it's me You wanted to do this?!

At the same time, I know I'm capable. So many experiences I've had tell me this. Challenges I've endured, growth I've maintained, and the knowledge that I've earnt. God has shaped me and the people around me. He's given me the right people at the right time. I'm in a place of love, joy and safety, while taking on the greatest milestones of my life. And tonight a range of people from my villages will be there. We'll be celebrating five years out of the bubble. One of the biggest milestones I've ever had.

Now the final step. Record videos with the real camera without psyching myself out. For some reason when the real camera is being used instead of my phone, I get nervous. Is it the realness? It's time to face it and move forward.

As tonight draws near, I know I'll feel better once proceedings begin. When my band arrives and we start sound checks I'll be in the 'work' zone and focus on that. As speakers take their turns to speak I'll be able to get a breather between pressures, compartmentalising them each time. I can do this. It's a new thing, but it'll get easier as I progress in this journey.

Rome wasn't built in a day, nor was I. 

Beyond Tired
You're So Vain