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Sudden Friends

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Some experiences never get easy, it seems. Mostly the ones that are heart-charged or mentally draining. Sometimes it's the combination of the two. As if one of these segments of self being injured isn't enough!

Today was one of those days. I returned to the church ex invited me to, after two weeks of isolation. Normally I avoid ex's as it's too hard to move forward when you're hurting and looking for signs if they are too. However, I feel I can't this time, as I made valuable friends at the church and want to continue those. There is also a leadership figure I feel can prepare me for the journey I have ahead of me this year. Then there is the biblical training course unique to their church. All of these would be such a benefit to me that allowing my ex to disrupt my involvement would be more injurious than my heart feeling the dents he's left.

Immediately I saw new friends and interacted with them, and old friends too. His best friend and I shared a hug, and loosely discussed how our week had been. It felt comfortable; safe. New friends were made too, one of which helped make me feel much more settled. We shared a few laughs, and her company helped me get through a very emotionally charged service. I felt blessed by God that she encouraged me and inspired me so easily. It was like an instant friendship, even though it sounded like I wouldn't see her at church again.

Then I caught up with a girl I had been wanting to, but couldn't while I was his girlfriend and tied to the bloke's side of the room. We spent time having a drink after church, talking about the training she was doing that I am interested in. I shared some thoughts and life experiences as she wisely listened and shared perspective. Life made more sense, even the recent breakup and struggle connected to it. Her perceptions were so simply stated, but so powerful too. Friendship was developed so easily, with warmth and common ground.

After she left the hotel, I returned to the rest of the friends, who had also decided to grab some refreshments at the local pub. We spent time laughing, but there were more people asking why I was there without my ex. More brief descriptions of unrequited love. I could see the torn feelings they had, wanting to feel sorry for me, but still wanting to see the best in him. I understood it -- I was in that stage too, until I had space to interpret the early red flags, conflicting signs and was overwhelmed with disappointed that far outlasted the hurt or anger.

I felt so restless that I couldn't face my house alone. Instead I am writing from the hotel near me, 2 coffees and 1.5 hours or research in. My shoulders ache in distress and my stomach feels in knots. Third coffee for the day, and one cheese toasty for the entire 24 hours. Nerves were too high all day that I couldn't imagine digesting food.

When I was traveling to the church, I wanted to turn back. Once I almost did. But I wanted to be strong enough in myself and my faith that his presence wasn't enough to turn me away from intentions and destiny. My journey was more important than him -- or how he made me feel. I had to override the sickness to face it and progress despite. He wasn't going to win again. He'd caused enough damage. Surely this will get easier as time progresses and my feelings and grief fades. It's only been two weeks since the break. Also, he immersed me into his life so deeply that there are too many things I've missed of him. But I refuse to be undone by such a good actor.


I must continue. There is no stopping now. He will fade away the more I focus on myself. More outings with friends, focusing on university and taking on new time-fillers. My alternate time can be invested into videos, blogs and media arrangements.

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