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Lockdown

0118

There is no measurement of a successful lockdown, so I wish to write my own. In my 10 days of isolation I've lost 6.5 kilos, started a new eating plan, avoided junk food (no Uber allowed!), refined friendships and deleted some, planned my new social life, and grieved the relationship I lost on the day that isolation started. I'd say this was a success. I'm ready to re-enter the world in my new/old mindset, where my life revolves around curiosity and childlike stances, rather than the drain and pain of adulthood. I'm ready for society to challenge me again -- go ahead, try me.

There is something poetic about having 10 days in lockdown to stabilise you and prepare you for loneliness. Almost like burning up a fever with heat pads. It's the overdosing that sometimes complements our need to change. And as much as we tell ourselves there is a gap in our lives, we are always responsible to fill it, only what we fill it with will determine how we recover -- and how long it takes.

I choose to fill the space with my faith and within myself. Relying on others is a fruitless endeavour sometimes, where plans change, COVID restrictions waiver schedules, and the flippancy of the human condition can sometimes just cause more confusion. I choose to be my own best friend, date, and facilitator. Possibly enabler, where shopping, haircuts and yarn are concerned.

First day out is in just less than 48 hours. It will entail having my hair done, eyebrows, teeth and nails perfected. For me. I'm interested in feeling beautiful for myself again. Being friendzoned makes you wonder what's wrong with you, but then you realise, it's just a mind trick for the socially inept. They don't have to friendzone someone if they're unsure -- they shouldn't put you in any zone in the first place. Honesty is worth a million dollars in karma currency. A maybe is normally a no -- so if you're not sure you want someone, keep it at friends. It's not hard -- I've done it before.

Moving forward, I also know I won't be the same. Not as interested in making someone a boyfriend  not so wanting to believe everything they say. Also, not wanting to listen to others in who I choose. My last was a wet dream to those who wanted me to pick a good Christian man: right shape, right morals, and right reputation, but still, the wrong intentions. Still someone who couldn't be real in their words or convictions. Next time I will be a lot more discernment on my part, and challenge their supposed feelings. I won't be stung again. I'm not going to trust so easily, as the adage reminds, honest smiles are attached to liars.

I will be strong, not because I'm defensive, but because I'm capable of it. I'm getting up off the floor, not because it's expected, but because I am determined not to let anyone break me, particularly one who was too lazy to face reality and share what needed to be said -- a lot earlier than it was.

Any regrets I have are assimilated into lessons, then let go, because I don't own him or his errors. I don't regret caring for people -- I have vicarious regret for them, who now have to realise they lost someone genuine, loving, and supportive. I'll always get along and make new friends and connections -- I always have. I have plenty to do; plenty to rely on, focus on, and achieve. I'm looking down from a brick wall, knowing the people beside it, knowing their flaws and their misconceptions.

All I ever have to be is what God made me.

Sudden Friends
All Things Must Come To An End