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Horrified on Halloween


I always thought halloween was meant to be about frights from horror films and costumes, but mine is one of emotional horror. There's a scary thing about growing up. Sometimes making new choices means people you loved dearly don't fit your life. Today is that day for me. I didn't mean to change, have new choices, or see myself in a new light, but it happened.

The person in my life couldn't handle it. Instead of them seeing it as my developing a sense of who I am, or what I really want in life, they think I've betrayed them because I should have stayed the same as when they met me eight months ago. When I was attacked by mutual contacts, my reaction to recent events was to prevent drama and protect myself from others -- they see it as my not toeing the line and putting up with what I'm dealt. When I feel convicted in my faith to make a new choice, they see it as my refusing to consult with them because I haven't changed my mind to suit their cause. I chose to keep my job rather than risk getting COVID from them and they believe I caused undue stress asking them to get tested before travelling. I asked to be loved in a deeper way and they couldn't understand why despite my explaining. They blame me for their losing their best friend because that best friend said nasty things about me and they chose to reject their friend. It was noble they defended me, but just because I was the subject of disagreement, doesn't make it my fault.

This life is about responsibilities and working through them. It's about realising that sometimes things happen that we are powerless to stop, only adapt. If you can't adapt, then things fall apart.

I am bewildered at being heart broken again, but how can I stay when all my good intentions are seen as burdens? If I am to be labeled the "problem," then I must go. My mission in life is not to make someone miserable. Maybe we're just not going to mesh and keeping it going will cause them to resent me. It hurts to apologise when all you were doing is what you felt right. You end up feeling like you're apologising for existing and that's when you really feel like you shouldn't be part of their life.

I didn't mean to change. The world didn't mean to change with COVID. We can try all we might, but our creator -- or evolution, if you prefer -- determines that we must change to continue living. If we stay in the same place, what's the point of waking up and starting a day? What's the point of education, eating, breathing, or collecting trinkets to make our lives easier? We're not going anywhere anyway. Life ceases to bloom, only rots until we have nothing to live for. I know this -- I lived it for 20 years before I was set free.

Tonight I just have to unplug. For the first time in my life, my phone is turned off. I'm just so hurt that I can't face another message, reminder, or thought of who I've lost. The first person I thought meant something very special to me, so special that they inspired me to take risks, do scary things like attempt plane travel, and question everything in my life. They didn't notice, but it was their inspiring and love that made me feel safe that I did evolve. I didn't mean to.

Worst of all, I know it hurts them too, but there's nothing I can do about it. They don't understand where I'm coming from, despite constant explaining. To make them happy would be choosing to stay in the one place and rotting. It would mean surrendering what I want to give freely into whatever they choose. I'm too far from that personality now. As time has grown, I've wanted things for myself. And I chose my needs:

1. My job

2. My faith

3. My right to peace from angry persons they are related to.

I gave all I could, but on paper it doesn't feel enough.

self-improvement to give them the things they wanted of me
defending them
protecting them from more drama
being proud to show them to my people
sharing all my thoughts and feelings
writing them loving notes
tolerating their family to keep them happy
avoiding subjects they didn't want to talk about
taking risks they really wanted me to try

. . . just not enough. They did so many things for me, which I always remember, but I just had nothing to give back. Other than the above listed. But they didn't equate to much. I've still left them unhappy, unsatisfied with my needs and choices. I just didn't fit anymore. I was a burden in their eyes.

Reflection: Fade to Black
White Rabbit Returns