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Darkness Personified


Today's subject I need to talk about symbolically, as it's something close to my heart and can't be readily shared. In past I have shared too much and out of respect for those involved, I wish to keep it cryptic.

When the borders opened I was so excited for my significant other to finally visit from Sydney. It had been two months since we'd seen each other, and I was so keen to wrap my arms around him again. Video chats suffice for discussions, but not for the warmth of a loved one within your own embrace. We planned ideas, I booked restaurant seats, and we planned for the big trip to Adelaide. Four wonderful days together sharing romantic moments, special snuggles, and all the happiness. . . .Yeah, that didn't happen.

Family can be a wonderful thing, and most of the time they are people you can love until the edge of time. However, there is always that one apple in the barrel that spoils the rest. Well, his family has one. If I described her as difficult I'd be doing myself a disservice. She's a person who believes she's smarter than she is -- she really thinks I don't see her motives early and sometimes let her go ahead because I want to see what she's really about. From the beginning she thought I was a lesser being to her. It's amusing, because sometimes when you are quiet and not interested in a pissing contest, people think you are weak or stupid. No, I just like to be subtle so I can pay attention to the games being played, deciding whether to play into them, or let them fall flat. Sometimes it serves us to appear trapped to discover the inner workings of the competitor.

Instead of hating, I pray for her. Her life must be so complicated trying to "one-up" someone all the time, instead of just being nice and enjoying the company. Such an aggressive person who has misunderstood emotional intelligence as being measured by how many people you can screw over. No, emotional intelligence is having the power to rise above others' actions, see deeply into them to their flaws -- and mental illnesses in her case -- and knowing where these impulses come from. I've got impulses, but my emotional regulation means I don't have to give into them. In essence, having that control makes me a more efficient person.

My sparring with her stopped being amusing when it became a family argument, which I was told was "bound to happen." The blame was rightfully placed on her, but the person who stood up for me gave her exactly what she wanted. She thrives on drama.

People, let me share this wise thought for you which will save you from many family triangulations. Families work in patterns. To break a chain of discontent or pain, you need the patterns to stop. If they continue, you are enabling and aiding the negative party to continue. If you are divided in your efforts, you will only cause more manipulation between parties. Don't expect change unless everyone within the family system is prepared to change. Also, keep changes consistent. Whether the child is 6 or 46, there are ways to punish, disapprove and use tactics to defuse or discontinue their behaviours. There is no "bound to happen," only, "we let it happen -- every time."

As I look at this female family member, I see darkness. She is bitter about issues over 30 years ago. She takes from people, only giving trinkets of thanks when she's wanting something more from her victim. There is a choice to lack empathy, as she is certainly able to show it when she cares to. Within her is this victimisation (everything is done to her! Poor her!) and it's used to instill guilt and favours from others. The "poor me" routine afforded her to stay with her family rent and board free, able to abuse other family members and be offensive to their guests. None of the other siblings allowed to have significant others. She's very destructive and has damaged her relationship with her family.

To me, she is a baiter. None of it is by accident. She's a brilliant scientist who plots out her attacks easily -- I've seen her manipulative attempts for what they are. She has a great mind, but she's using it the wrong way. So much so that even her peers end her career because as much as her brain can offer them something, she ruins it by opening her self-entitled, self-important mouth and showing just how filled with blackness she is.

Suffice to say, it wasn't the great holiday it could have been, while trying to field off her attacks most days, filtering through family pressures and struggles, watching the pain she causes the other members, and realising the person I idolised really is just a bully. A callous, low-brain bully. What a waste. All those university years wasted on fickle dreams, savage attacks on her family, and her inability to keep a job. She can look down on me all she wants, but I know that I'm still doing more with my "limited intelligence" and God knows, that it's not what we have learnt, but what we do with it.

I have no sympathy or empathy for her, simply because I've seen how she fakes panic attacks. Panic attacks are a real thing, but I know hers are put on. An example is when she talks about a subject with me and makes fun of anyone who thinks it's something fearful, only to start having a panic attack when I share exactly the same thing in front of a family member later in the day. When I decided to play it like the attack was real and suggested counselling could be good for her, a family member attacked me over saying that. Honey, you just got played.

While the family believe she is unfixable, she's not. Everyone is accountable to get help when they need it, and responsible for their own actions. She's hiding from going to counselling because she knows that's when her games would end. Suddenly she'd have to answer to someone. Of course, she's already answering to God unknowingly, but He will seek her out soon. I've asked Him to. God sees all, honey.

I sit in wait. Things are about to change, and I'm watching from a distance because I know that's the most powerful thing I can do. Without me there, she'll have to work harder to get her drama. Sorry honey, you're going to have to sweat for it now.

White Rabbit Returns
Dear Church