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Beyond Tired


There needs to be a word beyond 'tired' and 'exhausted', but one that denotes satisfied tired or happily exhausted. Yet, still highlights a sense of feeling the extremes of worn out. Launch party has left me feeling just that.

During the evening my nerves kept me alert, active and prepared for any problem-solving, only there didn't seem to be a need for solutions once the event started. Was it really going this smoothly? Did I really prepare THAT well, or was it just God's protection shining down on the proceeding?

The speakers shared their truth with elegance, humour and insight. Pastor T started the evening with an opening prayer, later sharing his insights and stories into how he had met and later baptised me. An ex-social workers spoke of how I surprised them with both my story and my need to excel beyond expectations. Colleagues shared the variations between bubble life and how I progressed outside the bubble. Everyone shared their parts of the journey -- because that's what it was, our journey. As much as this story is about me, I realised that it's a tale we all belonged to and would continue to add our thoughts and actions into. There were so many people to compare notes with, in both triumph and concern.

Friends gathered to share the night, adorned in a beautiful setting of Christmas in July tableware. Yes, this was a big celebration worthy of decorations. When the hotel asked, I agreed immediately.

The only glitch of the night was singing my original song. My throat tightened in fear as I tried to sing my lyrics I'd written with my guitarist. As they clenched, I knew I could only focus on getting words out -- quality wasn't going to be a highlight of this performance. The two times I faltered my singers fell into melody to give me confidence and assist me. They dropped back as the new verse started to give me time to restart, but there was a self-imposed barrier right there. Maybe there were dozens of things I could conquer, but solo singing wasn't one of them. Time stood still as I choked out the words, seeming syllable by syllable.

Upon reflection, I did okay. I'm not marketing myself as a singer, so there's no harm if I do so haphazardly. The only expectation was I attempted. Even then, if the song suddenly became a joint performance the audience wouldn't know any better. Maybe this is what I should have decided sooner. No, I had to try. There was a chance I could pull it off, and I wouldn't know unless I tried.

My sample videos from the YouTube channel were received well. People were intrigued by the jokes, knowledge and ideas that the film imparted. Maybe I'm a better videographer than I gave myself credit? I'm not seeking an award -- just enough to inspire and entertain. Why had I put it off for so long -- over some fear that I couldn't speak to a camera well enough? I've become comfortable with being suitable, when once I was a perfectionist and wouldn't accept anything less. While it means less pressure and honing one skill to expert level, I've more time to enjoy the skills I have and do what I can being a jack of all trades. Is it really bad to be okay at multiple things, rather than exceptional at just one?

As I move forward into the media, I have a stability in the idea that I only have to be what I already am. Skills that are needed will develop over time, and I'll find my way through.

The media that are working with me currently are kind and encouraging, and in no way interrogatory or hostile. As two publications prepare to publish my story, I await for guidance from my media representation as to when to strike the next agreements. My videographer and I have just begun to plan our production while I create my own content, so there is no risk of my being lazy. I've got so much to go on with which empassions me to focus on the roads ahead. I've only got to go at my own pace and God will do the rest. 

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