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Almost Shifted

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Less than a fortnight until baptism. It's a pivotal moment in life. Soon I'll be officially God's and the temptations are going to disappear -- right? Yeah, if only it worked that way.

Over the last several weeks, it's been a trying time. Things haven't gone to plan, temptations afoot, and my greatest challenges have been in the forefront. Some believe that the period before you get baptised is when you feel these things the most. That Satan has to pull out his last tricks to prevent you from bonding indefinitely with God. It's a little like a tantruming child who tries their last ditch effort when the parent threatens to leave the store and heads for the door. It's immature, and cheap shots are best suited for these moments.

Fortunately God has afforded me distractions. People and places that can redirect my imagination to enlightenment and entertainment. One is a friend who I can travel with, who shows me all the cool places while he works. Another is an old acquaintance who is always available to hear my rants. Then I have family: church and biological family who are willing to attend to me. Sure, there are times I have to face being alone so that I can get work done, but it's nice to have these outlets. Well, unless we get another lockdown.

I thought that the actual baptism would precede any new movements in my future, however, there are whispers already. New companions, new work responsibilities, and a vast array of places I'll be soon attending regularly again. But there's also a new me, that's waiting to start her new life with God. She's more restrained, focused, energetic, and faith-filled. She's keen to know how her faith life will change once she is pulled out of the water.

Beneath it all, there is still hurt. I describe it as waiting for the phone to ring, but realising that number is no longer available. The person on the other end is no longer a part of my life. Sometimes people catch me crying to myself, but nobody criticises. It's painful to have a best friend for 9 months who develops into something more, only to change overnight and the special bond becoming only proof that this wasn't meant to be. Although the relationship ended weeks later, it felt like the actual breakup when I had to farewell him at the airport at the end of his holiday. There were so many red flags, that I knew, try as I might, this would not be saved. His last comments to me only proved how correct this was, and that he had chosen the other team. I won't beg for love.

There is relief but also confusion amongst the joy of getting to start my life again with God. All the mistakes and lost loves can be sealed away because they won't determine who I am anymore. I'm all grown up, and that little girl, while she'll always be inside of me, she is now protected by the adult I possess in my heart. She doesn't need to be saved, shielded or secured by anyone on this earth. I'm ready to take steps to become the ultimate independent, so that one day -- if I meet someone -- I can encourage them in their own journey of independence, rather than soaking up their energy.

God has surrounded me with old and new supporters, ready to push me up the final incline. He does this because I love him. He's starting this process because I'm ready to commit. I've followed his specific instructions lately and he has kept me safe. Coincidence after coincidence. Foiled plots of the dark one, over and over again. I will not be tempted away -- it's now and forever.

Lately I've spent time re-reading my journal and prayer diary. So many prayers have been answered; so many lessons learnt these last two years. I am thankful for the catalysts of these moments, but not beholding to them. The reason for successful development was God and myself. People could say what they wanted in life, but ultimately it was my decision who I followed. If only I'd realised that sooner and taken control of my life sooner. People would have left my life quicker, but I would've been just as equipped as I am now. Possibly there would have been less pain if they were hurried out of my life, rather than left to procrastinate in their passive-aggressive formats.

As I sit alone tonight, I reflect on all that I have achieved. The next year or so will bring new work opportunities, as one has already surfaced within my current position. I'm also within gratitude that I got out of recent controlling situations so that my direction is back to God-derived and self-determined. That's how it should always be. Nobody enters in your life to tell you what to do -- that's not how this works. They should arrive in your life softly, inspire you, and allow you to develop a new plan or goal that may collectively satisfy both person's needs, through compromise, sacrifice and doting love. If both partners are not offering this to each other, then it's a sad day. There is no true love, and there is no future between them.



Spiritual Marriage
Circuit Breaker