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All Things Must Come To An End


It's been a long time since I've written, and that's partially because I was off having a normal life, where it didn't feel very eventful. However, fate -- or whatever you believe in -- has a humourous way of changing things quickly, and we are back where we started, only slightly advanced. My job as an SSO ended due to funding, with three of us having to be let go. It was sad, but I knew it was just how things were. It helped me decide my next steps because I had so many ideas that I could follow.

Other job offers came to me, but I decided instead to invest time into university. I really enjoyed working in the school system, and have chosen to commit fully to it, taking on a Bachelor of Teaching at online university. An online university seemed the best idea in regards to COVID and time usage. Also, I thought I could take on some part-time work too, but have realised how challenging university is and would rather focus on it between media opportunities -- should they happen.

I was in a relationship with someone, who made me feel secure, that he was around for something slow-developing but special. Nope. After two months of seeming building a strong relationship, I got friendzoned. Granted, this happens, but generally you don't hint about marriage, include the person in all your personal family and friend events, and make a relationship if you're unsure about your feelings. Nor do you insist on seeing them every day, always make moves to hug and kiss them, or allow them to bond strongly to your kids while cooking and cleaning for them.

I was told I'm not his type. But then I wonder, do we all have a type? We use that phrase, but do we really know what it means? I look back at my own relationships, and see that I've dated very contrasting people, all of which were my type in different ways. Is this a human disease where some wait out for this perfect person, when what they should be doing is accepting who comes to them, assessing what blends with them, and enjoy the contrast? Do we really know who our type is?

It seems many divorcees would say they thought they did, only to be wrong about the person they married. People change in a marriage, they grow with you, they differentiate their world and yours from time to time. So is it realistic to have a type and expect them to be that type forever to prolong the relationship? It doesn't sound right to me. Surely, a relationship starts with a type that gels with you, but then there's room for evolution and change, but the affections for each other morph into new definitions through these phases. A man's love changes for his wife when they share the joy of having a child. A woman's love for her husband changes when he ages, gains health issues, or goes through a bout of depression. We are never where we started, so do we really want a particular type of person? Who knows who they would be in 5 years time!

Ironically, the day we split, he found out he had COVID. He messaged me to say so. Two days later, I'm positive too. 10 days isolation with a broken heart is not fun. I've circled the kitchen a dozen times wanting to fall into a chocolate binge, but I refuse. Pain will not be comforted by food anymore. A significant weight gain of late will demand I don't. Instead, I choose to use the time to study hard, and make plans for when I finish isolation. A new hairstyle, lunch with friends, find a new study location I'm comfortable in, take walks to aid in weight loss and catch buses again, where I always feel more motivated to make new plans and move on from what is holding me back emotionally.

No, I will not quit. I won't allow someone to drag me down, and I refuse to give tears or energy to someone who just mislead me. I'm better than that. I'm going to be even better in a few months. There's too many other competing things that I can focus on. Why hold myself back to appease another?

For once, this IS about me. I choose ME.

Defining Honour